How to Stop Difficult Conversations Turning Into Arguments

But sometimes, a conversation that starts completely fine suddenly takes a turn. You’re explaining yourself. They’re defending themselves. Before you know it, you’re arguing about something that wasn’t even the reason you started talking.

How do you get that conversation moving again?

The approach I use is ON IT: Observe, Notice, Invite and Turn. It helps you pause what you’re discussing, pay attention to how you’re talking to each other and agree on a way forward.

It sounds simple. It’s not always easy. I created it because I needed it myself.

When the conversation becomes an argument

I remember a conversation with someone I worked with. They used a word I feel strongly about, so I shared that I didn’t appreciate it.

They didn’t see it as a big deal. They said I was being a little too sensitive and shouldn’t get so worked up about it.

I wasn’t worked up. I was being clear about something that mattered to me.

But telling me not to get worked up got me worked up.

I’m not proud of what happened next. Just like that, the conversation became an argument. And it wasn’t even related to what we needed to discuss in the first place.

Afterwards, I kept replaying it. What should I have said? What could I have done differently? It didn’t just affect my day. It kept me awake at night.

So that doubled the fun.

In that moment, I need a pause. Space to feel heard and reset. Then there’s a better chance of having the conversation we actually need to have. "ON IT shifts the focus from the what to the how.”

That shift is the starting point for these four steps.

1. Observe: look at the conversation from the outside

Imagine you’re watching a play. You’re in the audience, or you’re the director sitting in their chair.

What can you see happening in the room?

Maybe you and your partner are bickering over something small that suddenly feels big. You’re leaning forward. Your voice is getting sharper. Your partner has gone quiet.

For a moment, step back from the question of who’s right. Look at the interaction itself, including your part in it.

The point is to observe what’s happening without immediately deciding what it means. Someone going quiet is something you can notice. Why they’ve gone quiet is something you may need to ask about.

That external view gives you somewhere else to put your attention when you’re caught up in making your point.

2. Notice: check what’s happening inside you

Now notice what you’re experiencing and how it’s affecting the conversation.

Is your heart pounding? Are you feeling upset or frustrated? Do you feel attacked? Are you attacking?

And what’s happening between you? Are you interrupting each other, defending yourselves or no longer listening?

Observing and noticing are closely connected. You’re paying attention to what you can see and hear, then recognising your own feelings and reactions. You’re trying to name what’s happening without filling in the other person’s intentions for them.

These first two steps can also help before a difficult conversation. Think about the last time you spoke. What did you observe? What did you notice in yourself? Which cues would help you recognise that the conversation is getting stuck again?

3. Invite: name what’s happening and ask for their perspective

This is where you put your observations and feelings into words, explain your intention and invite the other person to share how they see it.

You’re naming your experience and making your intention clear. You’re also leaving room for theirs.

At work, you might say:

“Let me pause for a second. It looks like we’re stuck in a loop. We’ve had this conversation twice before, and I’m starting to feel frustrated that we’re not making progress. My intention is to find a solution that works for both of us and keeps us moving. I’m trying to understand what’s actually happening. What’s your take on this?”

The words can change depending on the person and the situation. What matters is making space to talk about the interaction itself.

Then listen. The invitation gives the other person an opportunity to share their perspective and intention, too.

4. Turn: agree on a way forward

Once you’ve both had space to share, you can ask what would help the conversation move forward.

That might sound like:

• “How can we turn this into something that helps us move forward?”

• “What do you think if we park this conversation so we both have time to reflect?”

• “Do you have any suggestions on how we can move forward?”

Sometimes the next step is to continue. Sometimes it’s to pause and reflect.

You’re agreeing on how to proceed so you can return to what you’re trying to achieve with more clarity.

Keep your intention in view as you choose that next step. If you want to understand each other, what would help you listen? If you want to find a solution together, what would help you both contribute?

Use ON IT before, during or after a conversation

You can use these steps to prepare for a conversation, intervene while it’s happening or reflect afterwards.

Before you enter the room, ask yourself: what is my intention for this conversation? Afterwards, you can reflect on whether your responses supported it and where you got pulled away from it.

You can also use them with yourself. If you want to speak up more in meetings, observe what happens in those meetings. Notice what happens inside you. Invite yourself to consider your intention, then turn that into one small action.

“It’s for presence, so that you’re not reacting, you’re responding.”

For me, “I’m on it” is a reminder I can carry into the room. Before a difficult conversation. Before a meeting. Before a moment that matters.

It reminds me to pay attention and respond from intention, instead of getting carried away by impulse.

You don’t have to wait for the other person to recognise that the conversation is stuck. You can be the one who notices and invites a different way forward.

The next time you feel yourself getting sharper, defending your point or preparing to interrupt, see if you can catch that moment. Observe what’s happening. Start there.

If this sparked something in you, follow The Luca Savazzi Podcast on YouTube for more conversations about courage, self-direction and creating a life that feels like yours.