How to Forgive Yourself and Others, So You Can Finally Move Forward

When I spoke with life and leadership coach Dionne Nichols-Germaine, I wanted to get past the familiar instruction to “forgive and move on.” What does that actually mean when the person who hurt you hasn't apologised? And what does it mean when you're still living with the consequences?

Dionne has had to ask those questions in her own life. Her answer is more practical, and more complicated, than a single moment of letting go.

This is her view, drawn from her experience, rather than a demand that anyone forgive on a schedule.

Can you forgive someone without trusting them again?

Dion's story makes the distinction real. She was with her college sweetheart for 17 years. They had a son together. She learned of repeated infidelity and of a child he had kept secret from her. She tried to rebuild their relationship, but eventually decided to leave.

She had chosen forgiveness at points along the way. That didn't mean the relationship had become trustworthy, and it didn't obligate her to stay. Her commitment to her son's wellbeing helped her build a loving co-parenting relationship with his father after their separation. Later, they even worked together on a youth financial literacy programme.

Those outcomes belong to Dion's particular story. They aren't a template that everyone should follow. What we can take from it is the distinction she makes between what we can choose internally and what another person must demonstrate through their actions.

Trust, she says, is built over time. If someone promises to change, you can pay attention to whether their behaviour is consistent with that promise. Boundaries are part of the same decision: you can say what you will accept, and you can leave if the harmful behaviour continues.

“Forgiveness requires one person. Reconciliation requires two.” — Dionne Nichols-Germaine

Forgiveness does not excuse harm, restore trust automatically, or require contact. The Greater Good Science Center makes a similar distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation, and notes that forgiveness does not release someone from accountability. Source

What if you never get an apology?

If you want more conversations about becoming who you know you can be, follow The Luca Savazzi Podcast on YouTube.

What does it mean to forgive yourself?

The conversation moved from major betrayals to the smaller moments that accumulate in daily life. Dionne works with high achievers who can forgive a colleague's misstep but replay their own for weeks. Someone may stay quiet in a meeting for fear of saying something wrong, or avoid a new opportunity because they are still punishing themselves for an earlier attempt.

I recognised something of myself in that. I make lists and want to keep moving towards my goals. When the day goes differently than planned, I can tell myself I should have done more. I asked Dionne what forgiveness might look like there.

Her example was simple. Suppose you didn't finish everything on your list. Before treating that as a personal failure, notice what else happened. Were you tired? Did something unexpected need your attention? What did you do, including something valuable that was never on the list?

From there, you can decide what to do tomorrow. That is still accountability. You can learn from the day without making it proof that you aren't enough.

Self-forgiveness needn't erase responsibility. Research and practice writing from the Greater Good Science Center also distinguishes self-forgiveness from letting yourself off the hook. Source

How do you begin forgiving when you aren't ready yet?

Dion's first question is smaller than “Can I forgive this person?” She asks: Am I willing to begin the journey?

That leaves room for an honest no. It also leaves room for curiosity if the answer is maybe. You could write down what happened, what you feel, and what you need. You could notice the small resentments you carry through an ordinary day. You could ask what you are still waiting for the other person to say or do, and what part of your next step is already yours to choose.

Dionne finds gratitude useful in her own practice. She is careful to distinguish gratitude for what she learned from gratitude for being hurt. That distinction matters. You don't have to call harm a gift to recognise that you have grown or found your voice since it happened.

There is no single timeline for forgiveness. In one relationship, Dionne was able to act on it sooner; with her father, it took decades. The practical starting point she offers is willingness to look at what you're carrying, with honesty about what happened and care for your own boundaries.

Perhaps the question is less “Why can't I just get over this?” and more “What do I need in order to take one step from here?”